Ages of Irony

Chapter 2: Galactic Survival Guide

The side effects of spacetime travel.

Photo by Alek Kalinowski on Unsplash

Galactic Survival Guide: Lesson 1: We don’t know where we are going but will be there soon.

We are indeed traveling through space in an irregular wobble around a galaxy we call the Milky Way. We have no destination at all.

Powered by a colossal nuclear dynamo, we are surfing freely on the waves of a giant black hole. We are waiting for something cool to happen. We are lucky like that.

It may seem like the floor is planted firmly below you. Wouldn’t that be nice? It is a figment of your imagination. We have mastered the illusion of gravity on this ship. It is identical to the environment in which we have evolved.

In almost every way, this spacecraft is designed to feel like a giant school that was built on a planet we used to call Earth. You are traveling very quickly through space. We should end up nowhere at any time.

Throughout our journey to a new and better world, you will learn to survive in any climate. You will learn to work as a team. A combined unit that follows direction is unstoppable. Listen to your teacher and let this book guide you on your way.

The craft we are on is positively massive so don’t get the idea that you’re trapped. There are plenty of places to explore and find adventure. Look out the windows and enjoy the many sights of our universe. Imagine the worlds we will soon be exploring.

You will earn credits throughout your journey. Watch as your total rises with every lesson we learn. With every turn of the page, you can redeem credits for medicine or fresh towels.

Make sure to get plenty of rest. This will help you avoid space sickness.

Space travel is time travel. It can make you feel like crap.

We have included a list of symptoms below. This will help you to know what to look out for. Report any symptoms to the head of your class straight away so you can promptly…